"If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.
Now Ev'ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
'Cause ev'ry hand's a winner and ev'ry hand's a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."
- Kenny Rogers, The Gambler
So I have decided to divorce my husband. It has not been easy. It wasn't an easy decision - it was a fairly recent one, in fact.
Things between us were often really bad. Really, really bad. Scary bad. So bad I never want to ever go into details because when I really think about how bad I let it get it's pretty damaging to my sense of self.
And then I'd start to walk away and I'd hear...:
And just like Satan in South Park I'd believe it!
(But it was real this time! It was! It was really real!)
And it would be for a while. And then...
It would get worse.
Now, I have studied abuse, serial killers and their victims. At an intellectual level, I know exactly what is and was happening. Standing outside of myself I'd say "Oh yes, that's how that works..."
But the ####ed up thing was... it worked.
How to solve it? Outsmart my stupid.
If I can use an obscure mathematical argument to justify my faith in God I can use one to escape domestic abuse.
So I actually created an argument based on the mathematics of investment (no joke, a principal called expected returns). I then calculated the probability in the formula as a mathematician would, not as a domestic abuse victim would.
Would I lay a bet with the returns I calculated? Not on your life. Particularly if I used the "I'm going to stop drinking" to calculate the probability of "he's actually changed."
It's hard staying true to what I've calculated, it really is. But I really think I can do it this time.
Because it's not about love. I really do love him. It's about knowing when to hold 'em, knowing when to fold 'em, knowing when to walk away and knowing when to run.
And the numbers say "go."
From the Concrete Jungle,