Tuesday, June 11, 2013


The one way I'm like Satan...

"If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Now Ev'ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
'Cause ev'ry hand's a winner and ev'ry hand's a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

- Kenny Rogers, The Gambler

So I have decided to divorce my husband. It has not been easy. It wasn't an easy decision - it was a fairly recent one, in fact.

Things between us were often really bad. Really, really bad. Scary bad. So bad I never want to ever go into details because when I really think about how bad I let it get it's pretty damaging to my sense of self.

And then I'd start to walk away and I'd hear...:

And just like Satan in South Park I'd believe it!

(But it was real this time! It was! It was really real!)

And it would be for a while. And then...

It would get worse.

Now, I have studied abuse, serial killers and their victims. At an intellectual level, I know exactly what is and was happening. Standing outside of myself I'd say "Oh yes, that's how that works..."

But the ####ed up thing was... it worked.

How to solve it? Outsmart my stupid.

If I can use an obscure mathematical argument to justify my faith in God I can use one to escape domestic abuse.

So I actually created an argument based on the mathematics of investment (no joke, a principal called expected returns). I then calculated the probability in the formula as a mathematician would, not as a domestic abuse victim would.

Would I lay a bet with the returns I calculated? Not on your life. Particularly if I used the "I'm going to stop drinking" to calculate the probability of "he's actually changed."

It's hard staying true to what I've calculated, it really is. But I really think I can do it this time. 

Because it's not about love. I really do love him. It's about knowing when to hold 'em, knowing when to fold 'em, knowing when to walk away and knowing when to run. 

And the numbers say "go."

From the Concrete Jungle,



  1. Did not see that coming.

    Sorry for...well, all of it - the stress, and abuse, and even, though you're settled with the decision, the loss. I've been divorced, and it rather sucks, even if it's the right decision.

    Bless you, Chris. Stay strong.

  2. cryptogamic was one of the word verification words, which sounds oddly appropriate

  3. Thank you. A lot.

    I'm afraid at a lot of levels. I don't have any family of my own, other than my cousin which I just got into contact with. My mom doesn't want me (hasn't since I was 19) and my dad is (A) dead and (B) I never actually knew him.

    It wasn't quite so bad during my masters because when it was bad at home I had my MS research, working in a fellowship program, and a handful of awesome professors that really helped me feel like I was worth something.

    During my PhD, though... alone, in Europe, my career spinning down the drain because of friction between my adviser and myself... no church, no "third place" to be... I had a truly phenomenal breakdown of the "Wow. I did not know human brains could do that" variety. Uncontrolled fission in the ol' reactor core.

    I hooked up with David K about 9 months after the meltdown. That's why I seemed a little... off.

    Thank you, though. To people who don't know me very well the above is probably a huge, huge shock. I'm aggressive and playful. It doesn't seem to fit, but if you knew my mom you'd know it does fit.

    Nobody know in my "real life" other than a handful of very, very close friends. I just... I needed to say something, and I feel like I've weighed down the small super supportive people too much in the last few weeks.

    I needed to shout it to the void, I think. I needed to see it written down.

  4. From what a friend of mine has told me, even when the two parties involved are in complete agreement that divorce needs to happen, it's a gut-wrenching experience. I hope you come through this darkness as intact as possible, and that whatever healing and peace can be found IS found, somewhere, somehow! Best wishes and more than a little good luck for the future!


  5. Thank you so much. :-)