The Giant Sex Orgy and Hooker Party by Obama's Secret Service

Obama's secret service had a giant, giant hooker party.  Enormous.  Here are some legitimate news sources covering it, including the Associated Press, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation and CNN.

So, I'm interrupting your regular broadcast of "Midweek Dostoevsky" to talk about something much more fun... sex!

Dude, did you do what I think you did?...

So the Dostoevsky thing was going to be a long, winding argument that could basically be summarized as "The Underground Man is a lonely, isolated, moody weirdo and there appears to be a large number of lonely, isolated moody weirdos on the internet."  Not very interesting.


What is interesting is sex.  And sex scandals and the president.

Now, I would like serious things to be covered in the news.  I'd like a rational discussion on our national debt, better US coverage of the Eurozone Crisis, and a more meaningful, in-depth coverage of the war in Afghanistan.

I'd also like a billion dollars.  And world peace.  And that car that can disappear from the Bond film Die Another Day.  And, while we're at it, the space beam that the villain has in Die Another Day to maintain world peace because if people didn't play nice I could zap 'em...

Anyways, you get my drift.  Not going to happen.  The US news is never going to cover relevant material in context to help the general public understand world affairs.  (If you want to see a journalist that actually does this, go here.  That's John Pilger.  Liberal, but amazingly informative and provides depth and context.)

So, I takes what I can gets.  And this is... hilarious.

Apparently the Secret Service hired an enormous number of prostitutes and had a wild drunken sex orgy in Colombia.  No joke.

What's even funnier is that this was moments before Obama arrived in Colombia.  Which leads to the question... did he know?

The relationship between Obama and his Secret Service is pretty mysterious.  For example, the whole Ted Nugent thing.  (For those who do not know, Ted Nugent made a direct threat against the life of the President of the United States.  After being talked to by the Secret Service, Nugent claims that the Secret Service are his "buddies" and think he's great.  It should also be remembered that Nugent did a lot of acid over the years.)

So right now now it looks like one of two things:


(A) The President has absolutely no control over his Secret Service and they may not be taking care of his safety properly

- or -

(B) The President totally knew about the hooker thing.  Toooootally knew.  Which would explain why he responded to questions about the moral standing of his Secret Service by calling them those "knuckleheads."  (Yeah, gosh darn gee, Mr. President.  Boys will be boys and men entrusted with the highest level of security clearance in the nation will of course occasionally screw up and have giant drunken sex orgies.)


(A) is a very bad and tragic possibility.  So let's ignore it and explore (B) instead.

If (B) is true - and I'm not saying it is - that would be like Christmas and Easter and Hanukkah and Earth Day and the 4th of July all rolled into one for me.

Stop and think of it: the President of the United States was either complicit (or, even better, participatory) in a giant, drunken orgy?

Now, for any president, that would be Very Bad.  But quite entertaining.

But... Obama?  That would be hilarious.

See, the way I see it we're not handling the whole "first black president" thing particularly well.

People on the right are constantly neurotically declaring they're not racist, even when people on the left aren't asking.

People on the left seem to view Obama as the Second Coming of Martin Luther King Jr., rather than a rich kid spoiled brat.

Now... imagine... first black president gets caught in a giant scandal involving a huge orgy of hookers in Colombia?...

That?  That I totally want to watch.

I want to see the left press and the right press handle "first black president is caught in a scandal involving mixed race prostitutes in Colombia."

I want FOX to break it.  Not all people on the right are racist, but, get real: there is a small but significant percentage of FOX viewers who not only still call it "The War of Northern Aggression," they also don't seem too clear that it's been over for a while.

I want to watch Huff Post and the liberal neurotics try to justify it without sounding racist or horrifically sexist: "No... it's cool that the president was part and parcel to a giant Colombian sex party involving prostitutes.  That's okay.  We expect that from a president sometimes, you know?..."

I want Jon Stewart to try and wave away that one.  That the nobody Democrat knighted in Chicago - the most corrupt city in the US - is living out a Kanye West song in the White House.

Suddenly TV news would go from being The Lamest Thing Ever to The Greatest Show on Earth.  I don't own a TV, but if this gets big I might just buy one.  Get myself a bag of popcorn and not leave the house for two weeks.

'Cause this isn't a "scandal."  This is a Scandal.  This is "President's Secret Service had giant Colombian sex party with prostitutes in an election year."  This isn't dark chocolate good or even protein bar with a double espresso good.  This is a hot bubble bath and shower massager with a "pulse" setting good.

"Oh please oh please..." I find myself whispering to myself, "After Solyndra thing, the fact that American casualties in Afghanistan have more than doubled, further bank bailouts and ignoring the same problems that Bush and Clinton ignored which lead to the 2009 collapse, it seems it would take a miracle to tarnish the image of St. Obama."

Colombian prostitute sex orgy?  "Hey, look!  It's Miracle!"

I'm naming this horse "Colombian Prostitute Sex Orgy."  (For those who don't get the reference)